my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
