I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
