I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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