There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
