Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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