just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize
