Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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