When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
