He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
