your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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