Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
