I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
