You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I stole a fireplace last night.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
