You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize