he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize