glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
