sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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