I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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