someone owes me an orgasm
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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