I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize