dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
