This dress was meant to end up on your floor
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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