I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
