i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
