My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
