i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
