I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize