nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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