I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
