Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
