happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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