I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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