the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
