my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
