The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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