Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
