Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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