I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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