Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
