Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
