Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
