Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
