planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize