I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize