Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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