matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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