i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Well I just put wine in my tea
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
