just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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