Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
