tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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