I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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