Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
