well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
