I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
