my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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