I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
