WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
