i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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