he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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