is your mom at the bar?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
