just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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