woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
