Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
then he tried to convert me to islam
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
